• losing the yoga plot

    by  • August 29, 2013 • blog, Yoga

    Yoga Mat

     

    Last SpiritedLoveLetter I had decided to expand my world and feeling drawn to Yoga I applied to do the Wellington Hot Yoga Teacher Training at the beginning of this year. Excited and overjoyed to be accepted into the training I set off with stars in my eyes, a yoga mat under my arm and a pair of skinny leggings. I was ready for the next stage in my human development. Body-wising up with Yoga, to the level of Teacher!

    Getting unstuck from the stars and slipping down a short but bumpy slope was the easy bit. At the risk of mixing my metaphors I became stranded up a creek with no paddles.

    The best way I could describe it {brace yourself there’s another metaphor coming} was this way.

    I felt like I was in a small rowboat in the middle of a huge ocean.  I can’t see any land and I am rowing around in circles, every time I catch a glimpse of the promised land and begin to row towards it, it disappears. I am left rowing around feeling sorry for myself and losing hope, faith, confidence and trust in my decision.

    I had become a learner.

    I lost the Plot! Long enough to meet every illusion I had about my passion for Yoga, my body, my mind, old stories about learning {school based ones}, I believed some of them and allowed myself to buy into others … you get the picture? In fact at one stage I was actively promoting the illusions. You know, just to get in first. A dangerous practice ‘cos then everyone believes you and its hard to turn it around. (see learning’s)

    I was right where I needed to be, the complete beginner, the learner, the dweeb. And MAN, the tension of holding such a story was manically intense. I thought aliens had taken over my brain. So In true human fashion, I blamed others, defaulted happily to a revealing set of behaviour’s, just so I could feel better about myself. It didn’t seem to work dammit, except for one thing.

    ::sigh:: There’s my humanity, knocking at the door again

    Like a secret admirer my Yoga practice loved me quietly unnoticed as I leaned into being the learner. Whatever needed to be spilled out, my mat mopped it up as my body/mind let go. The tension, stress and inverted thinking began to lose its grip, asana by asana, breath by breath. It got me through to a defining moment where it all came together. Yoga Body Knowledge + Yoga Intelligence = Yoga Teacher

    I took a risk, I followed a dream which moved me off the couch. A dream that asked that I leave behind my ego of being the “expert” {damn hard work, especially when I arrived nowhere near being a well un-seasoned YogaBeing} and embrace being no-one, knowing little. It hurt plenty and created some intense interpersonal projections. Ones that I am grateful for, because out of them came learning.

    • Discovery of even more places I sacrifice my integrity, knowing & power to be loved, liked or acknowledged.
    • Needing/wanting to be right is war.
    • When I stay with my heart, I am more alive and connected.
    • Heart centred leadership is transformational
    • I can very easily sell myself short, when I am not feeling confident or out of my depth.

    There’s more, there always is BUT lets cut to the Happy Ever After part because all heroines tales have an ending and this is my one.

    I graduated. End of story.

    Kind of. My Dad came to my graduation, he’s 75 years old, wise and worldy, with a few fixed views. I said to him “Dad, I’m just going to warn you, there may be some weirdness, like chanting, a different kind of language OK? So just go along with it and enjoy the ride. It’ll be a bit different to any other “thing” you’ve been to.”

    Totally forgetting he’s a Freemason and high up with the whole ritual/sacredness of His practice … My mind was on, what will he think, his daughter is doing weird shit again! Me? with the weird shit, anyway I digress.

    At the end of the night, as he was saying goodbye, we hugged and he whispered in my ear “Congratulations, I’m proud of you, well done”  It was a moment in our relationship like no other …

    P.S.

    That secret admirer, Yoga. We are now in love, its Public knowledge, so public that I have been telling everyone about it. You can read all about it here We’re an *item*